I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
