actually, I'm a sock model
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
