Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
