if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
