mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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