This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
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dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
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I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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