I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
