She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
