hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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