Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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