im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
