i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
