last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
