I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
