Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
