why didn't you poke me back
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
