trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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