did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
