I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
