A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
