I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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