Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
