He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
