Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
