I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she smelled like a LAN party
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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