I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
