I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
