I was born with a shot glass in my hand
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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