My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
