When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
