drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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