Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
