I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
That reminds me...we need to get swords
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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