Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
