my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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