Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
