My Higher Power is John Stamos
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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