i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
