Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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