Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
