Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My ass is underappreciated
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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