Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
