remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
