So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I supernannyed him into submission
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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