I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
