dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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