Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough