I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
