Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
