WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
