So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
