I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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