I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
