I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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