It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
look no pants
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
