she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
