I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
