What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
